By Sam Edelman, HDNA Boger, member of Dror Educational Orchards tzevet on Ravid

I want you to understand what this does to a person. I want you to understand what this does to a person like me. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never been in a fist fight, much less held a gun. I think the people who know me best would describe me as patient, understanding, thoughtful, and caring. I’m an idealist. I believe in peace, justice, and self-determination for all peoples. I have long dreamt of a world in which a Palestinian state exists side by side with Israel not just without violence, but in active partnership and solidarity. I have tried, in my own small ways, to do what I can to make such a world possible. 

And yet, for the past three days, I have imagined being given control of the power of the Israeli military. I imagine indiscriminately carpet bombing the entirety of the Gaza Strip. I imagine showing exactly as much concern for the lives and safety of civilians as Hamas showed to the people of Sderot, or Kibbutz Be’eri, or the attendees of the music festival at Kibbutz Re’im. I imagine leaving not a single school, mosque, or apartment building standing.

I see images of crowds celebrating the slaughter in Ramallah, in New York, in Sydney. I imagine grabbing members of those crowds and choking the life out of them with my own hands. 

I’m not proud of these thoughts. And yet somehow, surprisingly, troublingly, I’m not ashamed. 

I assume that at this point some of you are getting ready to tell me that this is exactly the type of trauma-induced rage that led to this week’s attacks. That’s not lost on me. In fact, I think it’s the point. I can understand the rage. I can understand the trauma. And sadly, disturbingly, I can even understand the desire to commit terrible acts of violence. But I cannot understand making the choice to actually do it. 

I want you to understand what this does to a person. I want you to understand what it does to a person, and what it doesn’t. It doesn’t take away your ability to discern right from wrong. It doesn’t relieve you of responsibility for your actions. It doesn’t justify inflicting trauma on others, no matter how righteous your anger may be. 

If I were to attempt to carry out any of the horrible deeds that I’ve been thinking of, that a very real part of me deep in my soul yearns to do, I hope you would condemn me unequivocally. Better yet, I hope you would stop me, by force if necessary. And I hope that you wouldn’t spare a fraction of a second to consider whether my motivations might be understandable.